Bela's Corner: Should A Man Love A Woman More In A Relationship?

In recent times, you get to hear ladies say "I want a man that would love me more than i love him" but then it poses the question of "What do you measure love with?". None of us are strangers to relationships in which we may have given more than the other person. To ever say that one person should love one more than the other only speaks to a paranoia we have. We have a paranoia of not wanting to experience that hurt again. In that mindset, we formulate defensive schemes like this. Either we think of it ourselves, or our elders lend their two cents on the issue. Regardless of the source, this idea comes from a place where maybe too much thinking is going on. Sometimes it does pay to experience new relationships in the moment. Give new experiences a fair chance. It’s the only way to remain fair to your partner.

For example, if you ask a happily married couple who loved who more, they wouldn’t have an answer. I know what it is to be in love. At no time while being in love did I have a chance to think if I loved my man more than he loved me. It was irrelevant. I simply knew I loved and that I loved as hard as I knew how to. For a woman to say that a man should love her more says to me that she’s pulling back, vice versa.

Bela's Corner: When Out On A Date With Your Spouse, Who Is To Pay For Dinner?

Hello y'all, I'm back again with my questions...When it comes to dating, men are still expected to pick up the check even in 2013. Well, this question led to a serious debate as to who is to pay when a guy take a girl out. Some guys insisted that a girl should pay for at least 2 date nights out of 5. Personally, I think it's absurd to expect a girl to pay for dinner. If she offers to pay, that's different, but if you are expecting her to pay for dinner, then you are less than a man *simple*. And it's usually the broke guys that expect a girl to pay for dinner *BME*. What do y'all think? Should a girl be expected to pay for dinner on a date? Continue to see the research on this topic....



A recent study by Rosanna Hertz (Wellesley College), David Frederick (Chapman University) and Janet Lever (California State University, Los Angeles) of more than 17,000 unmarried heterosexual women and men showed that, for all that some people like to claim that chivalry is dead or feminism is no longer needed, old fashioned norms about who pays for dates (men) and who respondents thought should pay for dates (men) are alive and well.

In the study, 84% of male respondents and 58% of female ones self-reported that men still cover most of the dating expenses well beyond the first date (where the numbers are reportedly even higher), though 75% of men and 83% of women report commonly sharing some dating expenses by the six month mark. Around 57% of women in the study report that they pull out their wallets early in dating to split a bill, but 39% of those women wanted to be told to put their wallets away, and 44% of all the women in the study were "bothered" than men expected them to pay at all.

Interestingly, 64% of male respondents say they believe that women should contribute financially to a relationship, and 44% would end a relationship with a woman who never offered to pay, but 76% of men felt guilty when the women did pay.

Bela's Corner: Do Men Really Prefer a Real Woman To a Fake Woman?

I know this is one of those obvious questions with a straightforward answer but with the advent of thirsty chics everywhere and with the catchphrase of  "Fake it till you make make", i don't think this is a one-off answer. Let me explain; a lady is the best "master of disguise", from the fake hair, nails, eyelash, boobs, bum and height, and one would think the guys would learn. But from my personal research, guys are attracted by what they see and as such would go for what is well "packaged", True or False?
So, do you think men really do prefer a real woman or are more enticed by fake women?

Bela's Corner: Signs That Your Boy/Girlfriend and Your BFF Are Too Close For Comfort.

1. They have one too many “inside jokes” I used to hate when people abused that “insider” hashtag on Facebook and Twitter. If the joke is so personal, get the heck off Google Chrome and chuckle it up in person. Now imagine, your boo and your best friend constantly giving each other side-eyes and getting their Def Comedy Jam on while you’re sitting there looking lost like, “What is so damn funny?” If your man cares about you, he won’t repeatedly risk your comfort level at the expense of a good punch line. If you find yourself like Drake outside of the Miami Heat locker room and never in on the joke, there’s a chance that’s not the only thing you’re not in on.

2. He/She is closer to his/her mom than you are. Remember when Patti Labelle would guest star as Dwayne Wayne’s mama on A Different World, and constantly mention how much she would’ve loved to see him get with Kimberly Reece and not Whitley Gilbert? You can’t control who his mom takes a liking to, but if they were friends long before he stopped his car in the middle of rush hour traffic to get your number, keep in mind that his mother’s opinion may matter more than you think and he could be affected by it. Be leery: His sandbox buddy may really be an unrequited crush waiting for her golden opportunity to get “chose.”


3. They repeatedly pull disappearing acts…at the same damn time. There’s a scene in Something Borrowed where the bride-to-be is looking frantically for her missing fiancé, when the fact is he spent the night in her bestie’s bed. Maybe you just attract social butterflies with demanding social calendars, but if the two people who are closest to you constantly go MIA, at the same time nonetheless, it may be more than a coincidence.

4.  He/She takes his/her side in arguments. First off, homegirl is breaking all kinds of girl code if she starts taking up for your man in the midst of a heated argument (even if you are clearly wrong). Any good friend will defend your honor before discreetly pulling you to the side to let you know you need to get it together. If all of your disagreements turn into two against one, it could be because they’re joining forces and feelings for each other.

5. He/She Constantly compares the two of you. If your man is constantly comparing you to any woman, he needs to stop playing and go get the woman he wants and stop trying to make you into her. As much as it pains me to quote her, in the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

6. He/She is his/her biggest fan on social media. Your man can’t put up a picture of his plate from Sunday dinner without her liking, following and re-tweeting it to damn death. The thirst is real, but it’s a sad day when your best friend is dehydrated (aka, thirsty). There is no reason why your girl should be spending her days memorizing your man’s page.

7. He/She sells him/herself. If she starts pimping herself when he’s in her presence, she’s either looking for validation or plotting on making him hers, and neither is a good situation. “I don’t understand why I can’t get a good man? I work, I can cook and do you see how big my behind is getting?” Sound familiar? There’s no need for her to be selling anything if there are no shoppers in the room.

8. She relies on him to carry out "Boyfriend" duties. You ever had a friend who acts like once you get a man, she’s got one too? “Is Sean around? I need my battery jumped.” “Does your man know how to put up dry wall?” “Do you think Sean can swing by my job and pick me up?” Umm, no girl. These are perks to having a man, so until you get one, I’m going to need you to back up off mine. Beware of the friend that believes she has a boyfriend by default, because she might be trying to give him boyfriend privileges as well.

9. She purposely omits chance encounters and conversations. If your dude knows more about how your day went than you do because your girl rushed to break it down to him before you did, that’s a problem. If she’s leaving out bumping into him “randomly” or random phone conversations, it could be because she feels guilty about their interactions. And people only feel guilty when they’re doing something they know they have no business doing…

10. They are inappropriate. Remember in Player’s Club when fast-behind Ebony was walking around in her drawls in front of her cousin Diamond’s boyfriend? I don’t care if your man has been coming around for decades, there have to be boundaries. That means no skipping around in towels fresh from the shower, sitting on laps, backing it up on him in the club, etc..
 Courtesy Madamenoire.com

Bela's Corner: Things A Man Never Wants His Woman To Pay For

You may be one of those girls that like to play boss with your man, by footing the bills sometimes but this discussion shows that there are some things that, when you pay for them, make your man feel emasculated. Personally, i can argue on some of the things but it usually depends on the guy you are dating. Below are some of the instances where your guy wouldn't want you paying;

*THE HOTEL ROOM

It’s deeply embedded in a man’s genes to be “the protector”—for centuries men have been the ones building the roofs, and eventually paying for them. Something just doesn’t sit right with a man about his girlfriend paying for the accommodations. It’s his job to make sure you have a comfortable place to sleep. If you’re traveling together, pick up the meals or activities, but leave the hotel to him.


*THE GASOLINE

He does not want gas money from you. There’s something about driving a woman around that makes a man feel on top of the world…and there’s something about her trying to hand him a wad of cash at the gas station that makes him feel at the bottom of it. Pay for the snacks inside the gas station, but let him handle the actual mode of transportation. If you really want to pay for gas, then just offer to take your car in the first place.


*A ROUND FOR HIM AND HIS BUDDIES

If you’re out with your guy and a group of his friends, and your guy orders a round of drinks, don’t throw down your credit card the second the bill gets there, or secretly slip it to the bartender when your guy isn’t looking. He was trying to be “the man” by getting those for his friends, and you just stepped on his toes. And made his friends wonder if he’s broke.

*DINNER ON A DOUBLE DATE

When there is another man there to impress, forget about it—keep your hands off your purse. Your man will feel humiliated if the other boyfriend on a double date throws down his credit card, and you pick up the tab for your half of the table. Let the men split it, and take your guy to lunch the next day.

*DINNER WITH YOUR PARENTS

Your guy wants to make a kind gesture and invite your parents out to dinner. He lets them pick the spot because, well, they’re more “elderly” and have tighter specifications on where they’re comfortable eating. But, they pick a pricy place and you know your guy is on a budget. The last thing your guy wants is to appear incapable of taking care of your parent’s daughter. It will be painful, but let him pick up this big tab and just pick up the expenses for the rest of the week to make things easier on him.

*DINNER WITH HIS PARENTS

Unfortunately, you just don’t get to role reverse when it comes to meals with the parents. Your guy can and should pay for dinner out with your parents, but you should not be pulling out your credit card when you’re out with his parents. It will make everyone uncomfortable at the table—that’s two generations of men in the same family who you’re implying can’t afford dinner! Graciously thank whoever does pay, and bring them a nice house gift next time you see them.

*ANY COST HE HAS TO WALK AWAY FROM

Any time your guy is about to order/purchase something then once he hears the price has to say, “Oh, never mind…” and hang up the phone or walk away from the cash register, do not swoop in and say, “I got this.” This makes your guy feel like you’re his sugar mamma. Guys want to be able to fund their own lives—let him make do with what he has.

*THE TUX FOR YOUR PLUS-ONE EVENT

You get invited to a wedding and are allowed a plus-one. Obviously you invite your guy, but because you know he’s tight on money and needs a tux, you surprise him by renting/buying one for him. NO! This makes him feel like he’s a responsibility to bring along, instead of a pleasure. Let him work it out—he can borrow a tux from a friend, or find a cheap rental place. But you’re not his mommy; don’t dress him.

*THE HOUSEWARMING GIFT FOR HIS FRIEND

If one of your guy’s friends has a house party, leave it up to your guy to get him a gift. You might want to remind him to (since men don’t think about that as often as women do) but don’t just go behind his back and get one. He’ll feel awkward handing it over to his friend, pretending it was his idea.

*THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR HIS BOSS

This might be worse than secretly picking up a gift for the friend! Your boyfriend’s boss is someone he really wants to impress. He gives himself a pat on the back for getting a thoughtful gift for his superior. This is a man-to-man event: (unless the boss is a woman, in which case at least give your guy some tips) let him handle it.

*THE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM HE’S BEEN SAVING UP FOR

Or really anything your guy has been saving up for. Guys derive a lot of pleasure from working towards something, so if your guy comes home to find that giant plasma TV that he’s saved half the money for, wrapped in a big red bow and sitting in his living room, the wind will be knocked out of his sails.

*ANYTHING “COUPLES”

Couple’s massage, a romantic couple’s themed night at a restaurant, a couple’s moonlight cruise…really anything with the word “couples” in it just because, well, men find these pretty cheesy.

Courtesy Madamenoire.com. 

German Studies Reveals People Who Have Regular Sex Make More Money..

via Philly.com

Lmbo...Having sex often not only impacts your personal life, but your work life as well. A new report found that employees who have sex frequently have significantly higher salaries than those who don't. The study, done by the Institute for the Study of Labor in Germany, concluded that people who have sex more than four times a week have a 3.2 percent higher paycheck than those who have sex once a week. The link between sexual activity and wages is the highest among employees between the ages of 26 and 50. The report analyzed data was from about 7,500 households in Germany. Participants were asked how often they had sex, how much they make, their age, sexual orientation, if they have any health problems, and about their religion.

People who have sex often seem to be happier and healthier, too. "Sexual activity allows distinct predictions to be made regarding labor market success, since economists consider health status, mental health, and dietary habits/obesity to be crucial variables that influence employees’ wages," the report said. Personality traits also seem to influence salary. "Wages are higher for those with extraversion and openness traits who are sexually active," the study found. Sexual orientation, education, and type of job showed no link between wages and sex life.

Bela's Corner: I've Been Sleeping With My Colleague For 2yrs Now But I Want To Tell His Girl-Friend But Not My Boy-Friend

Dear Belarich,
I’m a long time reader of your advice column and I used to always laugh at how silly some of the people who wrote you were to me. I swore they were either fake or just plain old fools. Used to. Now, I guess I’m no better than they are. This letter is 100% real, from the heart, and I really need you to tell me what to do next because I’m at the end of my rope.
I’ve started dating a colleague about two years ago. We’re both in separate relationships. He is the first and only man I’ve ever cheated with and will never again for the rest of my life deal with a man in a relationship, or cheat on my partner, EVER!
At first, I felt so guilty because we were just friends. But, to be honest, I had so many problems in my relationship that at the time we crossed the line and became more than friends it just seemed a lot easier to start sleeping with him than actually work on my relationship.

All was fine and good at first. He showered me with affection, attention, time, gifts and the best sex I’ve ever had. Then his calls and emails started becoming less and less. I knew he was seeing other women and I suspected they worked with us too although he never admitted it. I couldn’t take seeing him at work every day so I changed jobs, but we continued seeing each other every chance we could, for a while. Fed up, I’d repeatedly try to break it off. And, I mean that I’ve tried to break up with him more than 10 times, but he always comes back, we sleep together, and then I feel like an idiot again. The final straw for me was realizing that he’s seeing other women and telling me the same lies I heard him tell his girlfriend when we worked together.
He used to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me, and how beautiful I was. But, when I looked on Facebook there are all these pictures of him and his girlfriend and his family all out on vacations, hugging and smiling, and looking all happily ever after and lovey-dovey. I even told him I would leave my boyfriend for him, but he obviously does not want that. I guess he just wanted the sex. I was so blinded by love that his girlfriend found out about me, but he called her on his cell phone when we were together one day and I actually lied and told her that I was not sleeping with him and we were only friends. It was all lies.
I can’t take it anymore and feel like I will have an emotional breakdown if I don’t get off this rollercoaster ride. So, I’ve decided to confess and tell his girlfriend everything hoping this will finally get him out of my life once and for all. I looked up her email address online and I’m ready to confess the truth. But, the kicker is I’m not ready to tell my boyfriend anything and hope he never finds out about my affair. Am I wrong for doing this?

Dear Cheater

You and this letter! I….am…..at…..a….loss….for….words. This takes trifling to a whole other level. I can’t believe you wrote in and said you’re  having an affair, and you’re upset, angry, and confused about the man you’re sleeping with and how he’s sleeping with other women, including his girlfriend, and because he’s being the hoe that he is and you’re the side chick to the side chicks, you want to reveal everything and tell his girlfriend, but not tell your boyfriend? Huh? Really! Really? The d**k must truly got you addicted because this is what happens when you’re stuck on d**k and some man blowing out your back.

First, you’re wrong for sleeping with a colleague. I don’t care how close you are, and the friendship you had with him. NEVER EVER SLEEP WITH A COLLEAGUE. Look at your situation and what has resulted: You’re sleeping with him, and then you discover he is also sleeping with other women on your job. And, then your a** change jobs because you couldn’t take seeing him in the office. Sweetie, he is still doing the same -ish. Nothing changed just because you left. Hell, you made the situation better for him by you leaving. SMDH! And, on top of it all you continued sleeping with him. So, what did leaving your job resolve? I swear some of you don’t think or don’t have half the common sense you claim you have.

Look, the real resolution to all of this is to sit with your boyfriend and confess to him what you’ve been doing for the past two years. For once, be honest with him, and yourself. Instead of trying to hide it from him, tell the truth, and see how you can work on your relationship instead of trying to destroy someone else’s (which you are a contributing factor in doing already). KMT

Bela's Corner: I'm Confused By His Actions Though He Said "No Relationship"...

Dear Belarich,
I’ve read you blog and listen to your radio program, and  i  love the advice you gave on defining your relationship before it progresses towards a different goal. I’ve been friends with this guy for months now. I really like him, but he is 38-years old and I am 25-years old. We hung out when we have the time to and started texting and skyping each other every day. Interestingly, on one of the days, he sends me a text saying he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get into a relationship with someone with a 13 year age difference. He previously told me before that his last relationship of 3 years was the same age difference. He said we should be friends for now and see where it goes. I have to admit I was heart-broken because I really liked him, but if he wasn’t comfortable then I’m not going to plead my case. My problem now is that, i find myself spending all my time chatting with him and doing everything a couple does but he still insist on not wanting a relationship. Want do i do now?...Confused.com.

Dear Confused.com,
You can’t be 25-years old! You cannot and will not play this game with me of acting naïve and dumb about this 38-year old man’s interest in you. You cannot be serious! You can’t be! SMDH! Ma’am, the man told you he was not interested in a relationship. What part of that statement do you not understand? I don’t care what his actions are saying, but the man has told you that he is not interested in a relationship. Thus, HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP. DUH!!! He is only calling you to go out because he wants your gush-gush! He only wants to stick and move. And, you keep letting him get closer and closer to his goal.

Question For The Weekend: Love Vs Money.

If you find yourself in a situation where you have only one option among the following scenario, which would you pick and why;

1.  Love that surpasses the love between Romeo and Juliet but you have to live in poverty for the rest of your life, or
2. Wealth like Bill Gates but no love between you and your partner.

Dear Belarich: My Ex Wants Me Back But I Don't Know How to Tell Him "He Didn't Satisfy Me in Bed"

Dear Belarich,
I broke up with my ex well over a year ago; and we are both in our 20’s. It wasn’t a messy break up; we basically drifted apart and went our separate ways. One of the reasons I started to drift away from him was that while he pursued me, he went above and beyond to get my attention and “make me his.” About 7 months after he “got” me, his efforts to “keep me” began to slack off to the point where I started to feel like perhaps he was seeing someone else. I didn’t really care about that, though, because by this point, I wanted him to leave me alone (you’ll understand why in a minute), so I let the drifting apart continue and we eventually stopped contacting each other totally.
Well, lo and behold, he’s started calling/texting me again. After not responding back at first, I decided to say hi via text because honestly, he’s a nice guy, we had loads of fun together (except for the problem I’m about to mention) and I wouldn’t mind us hanging out on a platonic level, but he wants more and here’s where the problem comes in.
During the time we were together, his sex was WACK. And I hate to say it like that, but it is what it is. When we talked before dating, I hadn’t been with anyone sexually in over a year, so by the time we had dated for about 2 months, my glands were ready to see if what he kept talking about in regard to his skills was true, and oh my goodness!!! It wasn’t. Continue...

I tried introducing things into the mix–nothing freaky because I just wanted to see if he was at least good with the basics. He was fine with me showing him how to keep me “revved up”, but after that, I didn’t expect to have to show him all of the time, but that’s what it turned into. Everything else between us was alright; not perfect, of course, but I couldn’t get past this issue right here because it seemed like the sex part of the relationship was more for his pleasure and not for both of us.
Now that he’s starting to bark up my tree again, I want to relay to him that we will not be dating like that again and why. I’ve already expressed that I didn’t want to date him again, but along with repeated invitations to dinner and drinks that I keep declining, he keeps pushing me for a reason why I don’t want to date him again-which is totally understandable. But how in the world do I tell this man that he does not satisfy me sexually without crushing his ego? I don’t want to be mean; I just want a way to relay this to him without hurting his feelings; which may be too much to ask for. Any suggestions?

Interesting! My question to you is if you wanted him to leave you alone, then why did you answer his text? Why did you start this communication up with him again? If you weren’t friends before you started dating, then why do you think you can be ‘platonic’ friends now? That doesn’t make sense. It was a 7-month relationship that fizzled out faster than it started.

Ma’am, don’t go back. He’s an ex for a reason. And, you’re smart and savvy enough to know why he’s an ex. So, stop entertaining him, and playing with this man! Ugh! But, the real truth is that you like him chasing after you. You like him pursuing you, begging you, and running behind you. You are enjoying this attention because I’m sure he is the only man giving you any attention right about now. So, because you have nothing else to do, or better yet, you have no one else occupying your time and slaying your walls, you’re entertaining your ex!

Dear Belarich: 4 Months Ago My Friend Died in Labour Now I Want Her Husband

Dear Belarich,Two years ago, I met this incredible young lady, and let’s just call her ‘Cee’. We became friends and got along really well. She met this amazing guy and they decided to get married. Cee made me her maid of honor on her wedding day. Things were really good, and then she became pregnant mid last year. Unfortunately, she died in March this year as she was giving birth. She didn’t even get the chance to see her son, but fortunately the baby survived.
Now, here is the story: I have been hanging around the husband a lot, and on a friendship basis. He has been really nice to me, and I think I’m developing feelings for him. I think about him all the time, and I’m beginning to see him in a new light. He is so nice, and would actually make perfect husband material. I cannot see myself with any other man except for him. But, the other problem is he still talks about his wife a lot, maybe it’s because it’s just been four months. But, I have been dropping hints of interest and he is not even noticing. I also believe I can be a good mother to the child.
From reading your blogs, you always state that going after your friend’s man is a Big NO-NO. But, what if she is dead! Is it still a Big NO-NO? 

Continue to read my reply..

Dear WTH,

I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s death. That is truly unfortunate and a sad story. Wow! She didn’t even get a chance to see her son. That is truly heartbreaking and sad. But, girl, you don’t waste any time do you? LMBAO! Your friend has been dead all of four months and you’re already making moves on her husband. Got damn!!!Uhm, here’s the thing, sweetie, the man just lost his wife. I’m certain that he is not thinking about you or any other woman. The man is grieving. He just lost his wife four months ago! Damn! Can you at least give him some time to adjust to life without his wife, and being a widower? It’s really sad that your friend, his dead wife, is barely in the damn ground and you’re already trying to get in his bed, and replace her. WOW! You are a damn trip!

The sad part about your letter is that you never once stated that you were grieving, upset, or mourning your friend. You letter is all about her husband, and your attempts of trying to get with him. So, you know what, don’t answer the questions about what type of friend you are, or what type of person you are. I have already peeped your card. You’re a deceitful, untrustworthy, conniving, thirsty chick who will infiltrate into her friend’s life plotting and planning on a way to get her man while smiling in her face.

Why Are You Single??!

Today, I was going through some possible topics for the TheKorroShow tonight and I came across this article by Television writer, black woman and memoirist Tracy McMillan, title Why Are You Single. The thrice-married (currently single) McMillan actually has some pretty solid things to say in her piece. Here’s a gem:

 “The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. “ That’s a keeper right there. Marriage is not easy. It is not a matter of reliving the joy of your wedding day everyday for the rest of your lives. It’s work. Sometimes fun work, but work nonetheless. But for single women (especially black women), who are constantly bombarded with articles telling them why they are single or why their chances of getting married are slim to none, it gets tiresome, draining. Sometimes women are single because heck, they just want to be single. Not every woman has a goal of getting hitched. And sometimes there are other reasons for being single like you only date black men and you live in a town that has virtually none. Maybe you have financial or academic goals you want to reach before you jump the broom. There are many possible reasons as to why a woman is single".

I thought it would be good to ask you the question that everyone seems to want to answer on your behalf. Why are YOU single? Do you have the desire to get married one day?

Speak on it in the comment...

Bela's Corner: Black Men Are Ready For Commitment More Than Black Women "True/False"

A recent survey reveals that single black men were much more likely to say they were looking for a long-term relationship (43 percent) compared to single black women (25 percent). Do you think this is true or false and please state your reason(s). For more on the topic click here .

Question of the Day: Should Couples Have a Joint Account or Individual Accounts?!

I recently read a post on a blog jemimaNigeria  that "two shall become one even in their bank accounts" and this raised the above question in  my head. I've noticed that couples are usually very sensitive about the issue of money in order not to appear as a gold-digger. So, in your opinion, do you think couples should have a joint account rather than an individual account?!

Bela's Corner: Why Seeking Revenge is Bad For You...

Revenge…they say it’s a dish best served cold. We’ve all wanted to get back at someone – especially an ex who has done us dirty. I’ve dreamt of ways to get back at a guy who cheated on me and you’d be surprised how creative one can be when motivated enough to seek revenge. But I’ve never actually gone through with it – mainly because the thoughts alone were satisfying enough and I quickly came to my senses and realized it wasn’t worth it. Plus, I didn’t want to catch a case.

But when I read articles about women busting windows out of cars, or renting billboards or taking out full page ads in magazines blasting their exes, I can’t help but think they’re a little bit cray cray. I’m sure some of you even have friends who air their dirty laundry on Facebook and Twitter, talking about what a lowdown dirty dog their ex-man is and how the sex was wack, he’s a two-minute brotha and hasn’t had a job since a job had him. They may think they’re getting him back by putting all his business on front street, but really what they’re doing is making themselves look foolish. If someone has done something terrible to you, seeking revenge may seem like a natural reaction, but here are a few reasons why plotting revenge may be a bad, bad idea. Click to continue...

1. YOU LOOK CRAZY

I’ll admit, sometimes when I see a woman tossing her man’s things out of a window and she’s kicking his A$ to the curb, I say to myself, “That’s right girl, don’t take no isht from that loser!” But when I hear stories of women taking a bat to a man’s windshield or super gluing his private parts to his leg to get back at him for sleeping with her best friend, I shake my head thinking that the woman is a bit unstable. Sure, the man probably deserves everything she does to him, but from a distance without knowing the details, the woman just looks nuts. Do you really want to be known as the crazy chick in the neighborhood? No one is going to remember what he did to you, they’re only going to remember that you went bat-isht crazy on him.

2. YOU JUSTIFY YOUR EX’S ACTIONS
No one deserves to be cheated on, lied to, deceived or abused – and if your man has done any of those things to you, I can see why you’d want to post fliers in your neighborhood with the word “DOG” written on them and a photo of his face. But if your man says he cheated on you or left you because you’re crazy, people will probably believe him. No one will care that he treated you badly because all they see is your bad behavior – and bad behavior is never rewarded. Don’t counter his actions with even WORSE actions. Simply move on so that he (and no one else) never has anything negative to say about you.

3. IT’S WEAK

We may be hurt or angry when someone does us wrong, but a strong woman knows how to handle adversity. Seeking revenge on someone is easy, but taking the high road shows that you’re a mature, well-adjusted individual who knows how to deal in a crisis. The pain and anger may be real and justifiable, but don’t ever let anyone get the best of you. The pain will eventually go away and you’ll be a stronger person for not allowing bitterness to take a hold of you.

4. SATISFACTION IS ONLY TEMPORARY
It probably felt really good throwing that brick through his window…at the time. But now what? Has that taught him a lesson about being faithful? Does that change the fact that he did something to hurt you? Of course not. The damage is already done and no amount of destruction you can do to his personal property can change the past. If you MUST get your feelings out and off your chest, write your rants down in a journal or call your girlfriends and vent to them. Just make sure you don’t call on friends who encourage you to do anything crazy. Remember, good friends don’t let friends play themselves.

5. CONSEQUENCES

Good friends also implore you to consider the consequences of your actions. Maybe you feel that he deserves to be humiliated the same way he humiliated you – so you email all of his friends and co-workers detailing all of his transgressions (think Garcelle Beauvais and her ex). You think it’s embarrassing to him and harmless enough – until you find out that he’s been fired from his job. Some revenge schemes can go a bit too far and if you want him to get fired because of something in your relationship, you’re just as bad as he is. What happened between you two personally is not something someone should lose friends or a job over. You might be too angry to care about the repercussions of your actions now, but eventually you could live to regret the damage you caused by taking your revenge a little too far.

6. YOU (OR SOMEONE ELSE) COULD GET HURT

When a person is angry, it’s sometimes hard to think past the rage he/she feels that is causing him/her to seek revenge. All one can focus on is payback at any costs, but that can be dangerous. One of the main reasons I never sought to do any physical harm to an ex’s property was because I was afraid he might go off on me…and I’m not trying to get choked out! If the man you’re seeking revenge on has a bad temper, he may either hurt you for humiliating him or damaging his property, or call on his crazy female cousins to do it for him. Even if it’s not physical harm that could be caused, think about the emotional damage you could be doing to his family or children should you seek to embarrass him. You may think he deserves it but all the drama simply isn’t worth it.

7. FUTURE DATES

Usually when you look to get back at someone, you have to put yourself out there in order to do it. Even if you feel justified in your actions, as stated before, you could be the one who winds up looking crazy…and who wants to date crazy? If word gets out that you’re the girl who tried to cut off your ex’s genitals with a dirty razor blade, then chances are the next guy won’t be rushing to date you anytime soon. I don’t know any men out there who think Lorena Bobbitt is hot. Nothing you say will be able to convince the next dude that your ex did something so bad that he deserved THAT type of reaction. All everyone will wonder is how you’ll handle the next breakup…and if he’s smart, the next guy won’t want to find out.

8. BAD KARMA

You may feel that his action deserves an equal and opposite reaction – and that the person who wronged you deserves to be punished. I get that…totally understandable. But what most people don’t realize is that karma can, and usually will, take care of that person for you. It might even be in a much more harsh way than anything you could come up with yourself. The problem with most humans is that we want to see the person who hurt us suffer for ourselves; we want revenge to be swift – and the only way to make sure they get their just due is to do it ourselves. Let the Universe handle it so that you can move on with a clear conscience. Bad behavior is bad behavior, so getting the person back that hurt you makes you just as bad as he or she is…and you’ll be setting yourself up for your own personal failure. Keep the positive energy on your side so that karma doesn’t come after you too.

9. DELAYS HEALING

Usually an elaborate revenge plot takes time – to think up and to execute, which is too much time spent on someone who really shouldn’t matter to you. The time and energy it takes to plan the demise of an ex-lover is time that you could be using to help heal yourself and move on. No one is saying that you can’t be angry for what was done to you, but take that anger and use it to fuel your workouts or spending it with people who care about you. Concentrate all of your energy on positive thoughts and getting over the pain and anger someone has caused you. Plotting revenge is a waste of time and it’ll only make you become someone you don’t like. Want to really get back at him? Be happy – and getting a “revenge makeover” doesn’t hurt either. It’ll make you feel good about yourself and he will see what he’s really missing – and that’s the best revenge anyone can ask for!

Bela's Corner: Help!..He is Married But Won't Let Me Go.

Dear Belarich,

I read one of your post about a girl in love with a married man, though that's not my case but I think I'm in a similar dilemma. I intern at a bank which is where I met Lyon and the attraction was instant. At first, it was a playful-innocent flirtation because I was constantly reminded of his marital status, so there was nothing else on my mind. You can imagine my shock when he grabbed me one day after work and said I was driving him crazy. I thought it was one of those his jokes but it turned serious when he kissed me and was touching me all over. I knew it wasn't right so I begged him to stop and ran out of the building. This led to series of calls and text messages which I cant really tell the details. I don't like using the office toilet and even going to the basement alone for fear that he might show up.

I know I'm equally responsible for this as well as him, but how do I make him stop this obsession before it gets ugly?! 

Personally, it think avoiding him won't solve anything, so it's best both of you sit and have a mature conversation about it. Or you can resolve to the oldest trick in the book "I'll tell your wife"...lolz....

 

Bela's Corner: How Singles Can Enjoy Val's Day

Being single on Valentine's Day can be a real downer, but it doesn't have to be totally miserable! Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself, be more proactive about your situation. Find a way to enjoy the day! So here is a list of activities one can engage in;
1)  Have Dinner with Friends
2) Pamper Yourself : Go to a spa. Get a massage or a mani-pedi. Head to the salon and get a sexy new hairstyle. Do something that will make you feel like a thousand bucks! You deserve it.
3) Buy Yourself a Present: Whether it's a new technological gadget, a bouquet of beautiful flowers, or a brand new outfit, treat yourself to something great. You'll feel better in no time!
4) Send Funny Valentines: Find hilarious valentines or ecards to give to your friends. They'll appreciate the gesture, and you'll all get a good laugh!
5) Go Dancing: Grab some friends or go it alone; either way, you can have a fun, enjoyable night dancing your cares away!
What other suggestions do you have...

Bela's Corner: Would You Accept A Text Message Proposal?

Hey ladies, quick question; would you accept a marriage proposal from your boy/manfriend if it was sent as a text message and the ring delivered through the post?

The Perfect Valentine Love Song...BME!

Love is in the air, find it and hold on to it...

Question: Who Would You Rather Date?!

I stumble upon a recent debate online as to who a guy would rather date, and it was quite interesting what some guys really think about beauty and interestingly, some ladies stance on what the ideal "wife material" is. So, comment on who you would rather date and why...